Life always asks you so many tautening questions!  It asked me a hell lot of questions a few days before. After a tiresome fight with books I ended up watching this documentary movie, the one that my friend has been boasting about for months, the one that we are trying to get for months.
           It finally arrived via Mumbai from US; ‘Living in Emergency’ – ‘Stories of doctors without borders’ is the movie and living in emergency is what it is all about. It is about a group of doctors who have associated themselves with ‘Medical San Frontiers’. San Frontiers is a volunteering organization which provides medical aid in calamity of natural and man- made cause – where deaths and medical emergencies are the cup of the day, every day.

         These doctors were working in Congo and Liberia, where civil war has onslaught the routine life of poor civilians. The movie showed me real humanity, real challenges, it showed me ‘LIFE’. One of the doctors said that he was so proud of helping people of a community where they try to help each-other than working in an upper class country where people doesn’t even know the names of their neighbors. Many of these doctors who start volunteering for SAN FRONTIERS never crossed beyond their first mission. But there are people who continued their work into Somalia, Nigeria, Srilanka, Pakistan and wherever. And Chiara Leopra shown in this movie continued her work further and started her own mission in Somalia. Maybe she has realized the purpose of her life. I really envy her for able to do that.
                  And this gave my mind a lot of questions .What is the real purpose of my life?  Yes I am a Doctor and I am going to complete my Post graduation now.  But then what is my real purpose? Saving lives is saving peoples’ lives whether you do that in Somalia or in a corporate hospital in Chennai. But why we identify and define it in 2 different ways.  Or is it because one gets money to do it and other doesn’t? Or is it because one has deserted all his family and friends for the sake of someone else life and here the saving life is just a profession?

                  I always had the hitch to go and work in Srilanka during the war times. But at that point I never had the guts and strength to do it. But now being much more matured and much stronger I am ready to anything. But what is that I had to do? I always wanted be a change, a change in lives of people. But I never realized my limitations every social-unrest, every social outcast that I see I wanted to change, neither do I have the power or strength to do so. But I always wanted to. I will and I am ready to live my entire life like this but then what are my limitations and what is my purpose I couldn’t realize. And if this will actually bring in least a small change is again a question.

                    Need and need for change is everywhere. For instance 2 billion people around world are there without basic medical amenities……………….Can I change this. Or I change a part of it by working in some condition where there is no basic health care. Maybe, Srilanka or Somalia or some remote village in INDIA.
But is this my soul purpose?
                     I am not sure, for from 3rd STD I Started writing ‘I LOVE INDIA’ in my books. I used to hoist flag and stick Indian flag through the walls of my house. I wanted to change the political ugliness existing in this country. I wanted to educate every single kid in this country. I wanted this country to change with citizens full of intellectuality and citizens full of patriotism. But again I cant change the outcome of this country for I am no emperor. But then I could spread some insight and change the life of few kids who will become better if guided.
                          And if that is so, my life's purpose lie here where am i born for there are lot of things that could be changed and there are many peopled to be helped for a better life right here?  And this is what we together as friends are trying out; but there again as we are coming back after visiting our group of kids in a child home one of the juniors guy volunteering with us asked " Anna Why we do this? , Is this some authentic work that we do?"
                     Really my heart has asked me those questions a thousand times. What am I trying to do here working with these kids? Am I imparting something in their life? Or am I just imparting something within me?

I Really don't know!!!!!!!!!But then again when Somalia or Rwanda suffers the inner heart says you should be there and not here lying in couch.

                    Mind is a devil which plays poisonous games with you. And my mind started playing it very early for me and at twenty five years of age I have seen many things. I have traveled in A/C coupe and also in a leg and a half in  unreserved compartments.  I had situations where I could understand life of a call girl, about poverty. I have seen and travelled all that I could. And one basic common thing is everybody runs towards something. Some needs to be first in class, for some it is money, for some it is business, for some it is just daily errands and for some it is just survival. This life has created a vast difference in terms of equality which can never be bridged.

                   Even I fall in this group which runs towards something. I have a lot left to achieve. I wanted to define myself I wanted history to remember me but for whom I wanted to do this?  For no-one asked me to do. It is for my selfishness, for my self-satisfaction. But really why I run? Where I run?, I don’t know. And through this so-called achievement, which If I may to achieve, will it serve the purpose of my life is question that can never be answered.

                   One thing is in the past  3, 4 years I have realized that I will never get satisfied with myself. I want to do and change everything which I know is impossible. But then maybe time will teach as it has taught many so in the past.  Maybe it will let me realize what I really need to do and where my purpose of life could be fulfilled. Until then let me seek, seek and  let me continue to seek

(Why I wrote this, for whom I wrote this I don't know; maybe it is just written to my heart to lay rest and not jump too much for now)


  1. I have seen people around, who are not satisfied with the money they earn even though they earn a lumpsome amount per month and still got that hunger to earn money. But, when we expect them to do something for the society, their reply would be, "This is the purpose of the government and not mine".
    If am given a wish to change something, I would pray to God to change the mindset of such people.
    I am proud of nearly 20% of my generation, who really thinks that, if we really need a system to develop, we need to be a part of the system, rather than complaining or expecting someone to change it. Hope this thinking is the starting of some change....
    Raja, well written post nd it made me to Open up a little:)
    keep writing

  2. Just was going thru this article and remembered ur blog...


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